Before we arrived at this place,
We lied still in the dank dark earth,
Waiting for that moment when you and I fell inline to cross paths.
From opposite ends we unfurled and stood in the thick of tall dark branches,
Until we found in each other a reflection that pushed them aside to let the light through.
Breath by breath
Mouth to mouth.
Transforming us to divine
Woke up in a funk today
In light of some recent events in the world, the states, my microcosm, the home, my room….
The first thought after teaching yoga this morning is that I need to clean, and then I’ll feel better,
But the heaviness would not leave for me to lift a limb.
Then I thought, I need a little motivation,
And so I went to the nursery,
Walked around conversing with my enlightened toddler,
Found a healthy new fiddle leaf fig and a lush maiden hair fern.
I never pretended to be perfect.
Happiness in a swipe and small talk, “yes the weather is much nicer today… no receipt please.” No paper trails.
Now my Boston fern and birds nest fern look happier and truth is, their chances of survival have just increased with their new companions….
As well as mine.
I looked into my sons eyes for an awkward length of time in his homemade clumsy Lincoln hat and beard.
He finished his biography on Abraham Lincoln and was asked to dress up like him.
He is full of hope and holds so much respect for the title “president”
He finished his first chapter book and ran around the house shouting,”hello everybody! Hello nobody! Hello Jose! Hello spirits! I finished my very first chapter book and it was on the President Abraham Lincoln!”
His reverence for the greatness of what Dr Martin Luther did for this country has him believing that he was the greatest “president” that America has ever had.
And I’m listening to the news lately all day and today I’m staring into the eyes of this optimistic boy who believes “in equality and justice for all” wondering if I could ever explain to him that sometimes the president is a hack and when he says that men who look like him are rapists that you can’t believe anything coming from this so called president! That he is the one raping our country and stabbing his ego into the fear of America violently with his invisible sword.
How will I explain to him that all the progress that his heroes Lincoln and King made are being wiped back to ignorance and we should not show respect to the “president” and to give up on the hope and respect you had for the man who is supposed to sit in that seat!
How would I explain to all of my children that despite what the person in charge of our country represents,
He is something contrary to what this country stands for and that they are still American even though the fraud is giving permission for their classmates to look down on him because it helps to sell himself.
And I burn so hot right now wondering how anyone is allowing the brightness that shines in these children’s eyes to dim
Because of our silence…
“I like to hide behind my truths,
But if you want to see my soul,
Come have a seat and I’ll tell you a story.”
1. I care how people see me
A) not at all
B) a little bit, you’ll catch me look at
myself sometimes as I walk past
C) a lot, sometimes I study my face
in the mirror. I can be vain at
D) I don’t feel comfortable
answering this question because
of what people might think of
2. I like myself
A) a lot, so much that I’m always
happy and feel comfortable
saying anything because I only
have the best intentions.
B) I have good days and bad days.
There are days I feel good about
my place in life and all the people
around me, and then there are
those says I feel guilty for
doing something, like maybe
saying the wrong thing or not
saying anything at all when I
really wanted to say something.
C) It’s hard to say. I feel like I’m not
authentic and I worry and get
anxious and need to drown out
my head with white noise, but
I really want to like myself and
am currently trying to figure that
D) not at all, I wish I was someone
else. Sometimes I daydream at
how great it would be if I had
So and so’s body, or so and
so’s job, or maybe even a
whole life switch. Though
I’m probably doomed to still
feel unhappy in that new
3) I love my partner
A) not at all I don’t have one. But I
I want one and am still on that
search for my Twin Flame.
B) I’m hanging on until someone
better comes along. He/she
annoys me sometimes, but I
guess it’s better than being
C) More than words. Um, yeah
(Smiling) “cricket, cricket..”
D) I’m in love with me and
perfectly content doing me.
4) My current occupation
A) Pays the bills. I don’t know what
I want to do. I question what my
talents and passion are, but I
definitely love taking time off
and buying stuff, I think.
B) Enjoy it, but it’s not my dream
job. Maybe I should go back to
school. I think culinary school
could be fun.
C) I die a little bit each day and curl
up in my bed contemplating
ways to quit.
D) absolutely and fulfilling my true
life passion. I feel completely
blessed. Pinch me! Haha j/k
But really thank you Universe.
If you answered any of these questions, do you really feel like you need someone telling you the answer to who you really are? I mean, I am guilty of enjoying what some personality tests say, for the fun of it, unless they say something bad about me, in which case I dismiss it as nonsense. But then again I’m not sure I always answer honestly or how I want to believe I am, which is how I am, because that is how I act. Or sometimes I want to answer two or three of the choices, or somewhere In between because they don’t really have the right option for me. But if I’m honest with myself, I know who I am. I know the areas about myself where I need to work on, and the areas about myself I’m really happy about and have no problems with people seeing because I’m the type of person who stays up until 3am sometimes thinking these things and learned long ago to give up trying to sleep until I have it all jotted down. If I don’t, it will all be gone by tomorrow
Baby Clarence and I stared intently into each other’s eyes for a good minute,
Which felt like what infinite must feel,
And I knew the universe.
The telescope looks out far into the universe to look towards the humongous systematics floating around the heavens in order to find other bodies in the grand scheme of the one body.
The microscope looks deep into the body in order to magnify the smallest
What goes beyond a quark and how far can we travel into our own universe which is one universe?
Can we magnify limitlessly?
Or do we just know that it is.
What is what is is what is and that’s truth.
I once wrote a one page philosophy paper on what is truth.
A universe in a speck on a clover in my hands on a speck in the universe inside of me shooting outside into other universes.
Dr Suess has been whispering to me.
Or could it be the four year old boy, age old soul lying beside me mumbling truths that I will nurture with all my love so he can always believe the things we sometimes forget with age.
He asks, “How much do you love me?”
“Like infinite times! That’s a lot!” I answer back as I stare back at him from the rear view mirror. And I say this as I think to myself about my voyeuristic tendencies.
“I love you like…one thousand, eighty-nine, five hundred twenty-eight, hundred thousand, two. Is that like a billion, momma?”
“Yes definitely and maybe more son.”
“And infinite. I love you that much and that’s a lot!” He exclaims big eyed and serious. “Momma I wish I was an adult so I can marry you.”
“Yeah but Mommas and Sons don’t marry. The bond we have is way different and way stronger.”
And all this time I wonder if I first majored in psychology as a way to get myself ready to handle these parenting situations correctly. I have internal dialogues with Freud on the regular even though sometimes these hashings turn into debates.
And I want my son to know everything I know- no lies, misgivings, and bending the truths. I love bending rules just enough to stay within the boundaries of being clipped by rubber, but not when guiding the future ones. Be honest, and they’ll be honest. Be moral, and they’ll be moral. Respect, and they’ll respect. Fear not, create lots, and they’ll grow up holding satchels of hope in vibrant colored knapsacks.