Plant Therapy

Woke up in a funk today 

In light of some recent events in the world, the states, my microcosm, the home, my room….

The first thought after teaching yoga this morning is that I need to clean, and then I’ll feel better,

But the heaviness would not leave for me to lift a limb.

Then I thought, I need a little motivation,

And so I went to the nursery,

Walked around conversing with my enlightened toddler,

Found a healthy new fiddle leaf fig and a lush maiden hair fern.

I never pretended to be perfect. 

Happiness in a swipe and small talk, “yes the weather is much nicer today… no receipt please.” No paper trails. 

Now my Boston fern and birds nest fern look happier and truth is, their chances of survival have just increased with their new companions….

As well as mine. 

Her Green Thumb

My halmuhnee was tough. 

Just barely taller than me at 5’1″ 

She’d straight up yell at you in front of the whole neighborhood if you weren’t acting right.

Other days she would just laugh so loud and sing songs

She loved being outside gardening or walking around the neighborhood, Salvation Army, Home Depot, Mr. Chris’s burger spot, and bus stops. 

She would buy flowers and succulents

Plant them all around the house

Onto the green belt

And then watch General Hospital while knitting. 

She’d make the whole neighborhood fresh cut fries

And fried dumplings. 

Then yell at me out of her bedroom window, topless, and without shame to come in the house.

I wouldn’t though, I’d keep playing until she’d come out of the house topless to drag me into he house herself. 

When she moved away, I was so heartbroken, I slept with my parents on their bedroom floor for some time. 

I would lay at night crying because I wanted her to be home,

Yet I didn’t visit her as much as I wish I could/should/would. 
I’ve been gardening and making little succulent pots and terraniums 

Thinking about how she would grow beautiful things. 

Her last few years, she wasn’t strong enough to go to church everyday, but she would walk down stairs from her apartments with her cane and go to the Home Depot dumpster to rescue any succulent they threw out, bring it home, care for it, revive it and have a balcony with wall to wall pots of every color and kind of juicy succulents. 

And I feel it too. 

Watching things grow and change right before your eyes is amazing. 

It makes you feel alive 

And you can really appreciate the simple part of basically just living when you’re growing and taking care of something. 
I suck with dates but I’m pretty sure it’s been 5 years since I saw her physical body, but she sure does take some mind to visit me in my dreams occasionally and tell some of her wisdom to me. 

Musing Nude #7

After my first sound rest from days of the inability to sleep due to painting rather than insomnia, I feel like that minute after opening my eyes from Savasana and melting into the awareness of Bliss. It’s the first moment I’ve had in days that I could sit and soak it all in to the spine of my soul. Looking out into my garden, I realize why I am so fascinated with gardening. This feeling of keeping house and doing these “chores” are actually one of the beauties of life. I can make my house the way I’ve always envisioned living because it does not cost anything as long as I do it for myself. But even more importantly, to really enjoy the benefit of my works fruit is one of the blessings of living. I enjoy the simple tasks of watering the garden, clearing the grass and weeds around them, pruning and talking and singing and breathing to them.
At this moment, my son, in perfect timing, wakes up and I carry him to the bathroom and see us in the mirror. I, the mothering kind, carries my son because he loves to be held, but if you take a look at him you can already see this strong boy as a man because he already is. A thought that the only person to hold Goliath was his mother and this will be one of the fondest moments in my life warms me to my toes. A beautiful muse touched my head this morning and I am again humbled to be reminded that the prosperity of lying on a couch watching a movie with my son this morning is simply priceless.


Escaping Muse

All day long I had ideas that made my ears ring the Tibetan finger bowls humming, strumming, sighing the sounds sink me, the weak me, so deep into the brown.
But I float around somewhere at the same time pulling weeds from the day and tossing them over my shoulder thinking I should somehow contain them to save time, except it feels good just to fling them past my eye, smiling wide.
And taking a moment now to think back at the days start, playing it back like a momentous slow motion rewind trying to capture some idea of the near distant past.
And I just come up with the, the, the, the stammering child because the excitement is bursting out of my ears and at the same time, moving into this infinite space that will always exist, even If it was too soft to catch.
Or slower than my slow mo, like the sloth, oh the patience sometimes is south but once you can take in a big breath of life, there is something in the center of your body that feels like a bubbling warm excitement though its like that thing that sit on the tip of your tongue.

Photo: self portrait by my son Elijah Lanikai