Musingnude #17

Dialogues over dinner 

With my procreator,

We admittedly feel a calmness

Rare to our psyche. 

Unclear of what that means,

Peace, consequently, has settled in

Though Gods voice is still,

And Indeterminable 

to the affect of art.

Maybe a step towards heaven,

In clarity and productivity,

Or a fall towards hell,

Uninspired and empty. 

I am here,

At the very least. 

Dreamer

Because I find myself floating off into imagination, i used to worry that I might get lost one day and so decided to learn how to ground myself. 

Then today I accepted it and said to myself that 

I like floating off into that world where everything is wispy and the words are poetic,

Where the voices from earth are muted and the possibilities need just be imagined.

I’ve seen my future and I know I will float away so thin and dissipate one day to become everything….

So there it is. 

Depth Perception

I once saw myself float above my body It freaked me out and I smacked my own face to bring me back. 
My depth perception is fucked. 

I am an Ant

 

I meditated standing on my head today 

Eyes open ,

Staring at a little dust,

A little scattered eraser shavings,

An half bitten animal cracker under the couch,

And one single tiny little ant, smaller than the average black ant,

Quickly making its way across the floor

Across my vision,

In that moment, I stared and pondered the ant. 

I thought about smashing it with my thumb, 

But decided that I didn’t have it in me,

And wondered if there were many instances I ran across Gods vision, but he chose to stay still, not snuffing me out

Because he is meditating. 

The Cheese Stands Alone

  

Everyone’s asleep and I am sifting through today’s photos because I’m missing them all.

Then I come across this face and I think,

“Nom, nom, nom,”

I wanna eat those cheeks and drink his eyes squeeze his face because I die every time I look at him and come back to life every time he smiles back at me. 

But better make better 

Use of this time,

Either draw, write, read, come up with new dance move or succumb to sleep like the rest,

Is it true one day lasts forever if I keep my eyes open?

Or is that why i blaspheme 

And wonder if a Neanderthal is God, whom we have destroyed? 

And one day we will be God being destroyed by our creation. 

And then hover over the waters as in Genesis 1.2. 

Proof Love is Tangible

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Love deftly weaves in and around the senses and maybe that’s why we think it’s just an emotion,
But didn’t you feel it too, as I walked closer to you?
Not just in the heart, but every toe, foot, and stomp sent the snake up my back and it flew out of my head.
Did you see the ripple when you heard the words ‘I do’ expand until some blessings sprinkled the earth from eyes to soil,
Composting earth with organic love, love ooooh that love?
Did you hear it in laughter like the song of God! Oh yes I saw God too!
Touching every lip to turn and eye to twinkle and breathing out aroma so sweet that I’m still feeling high,
I see it in you, feel it, hear it, smell it, taste it as if its been spoon fed to me from homemade jam jars from the love of mamas hands.
Do you believe me when I say love is tangible?
Because the clever universe had me believing all this time it was something else, something good, but not this real thing, yes thing I can grasp.
And a-ha!
That’s why it grows,
And evolves,
And lives on,
And on,
And on….

The “How Honest Am I to Myself About Myself?” Quiz

1. I care how people see me
A) not at all
B) a little bit, you’ll catch me look at
myself sometimes as I walk past
a mirror.
C) a lot, sometimes I study my face
in the mirror. I can be vain at
times.
D) I don’t feel comfortable
answering this question because
of what people might think of
me.
2. I like myself
A) a lot, so much that I’m always
happy and feel comfortable
saying anything because I only
have the best intentions.
B) I have good days and bad days.
There are days I feel good about
my place in life and all the people
around me, and then there are
those says I feel guilty for
doing something, like maybe
saying the wrong thing or not
saying anything at all when I
really wanted to say something.
C) It’s hard to say. I feel like I’m not
authentic and I worry and get
anxious and need to drown out
my head with white noise, but
I really want to like myself and
am currently trying to figure that
out.
D) not at all, I wish I was someone
else. Sometimes I daydream at
how great it would be if I had
So and so’s body, or so and
so’s job, or maybe even a
whole life switch. Though
I’m probably doomed to still
feel unhappy in that new
situation.
3) I love my partner
A) not at all I don’t have one. But I
I want one and am still on that
search for my Twin Flame.
B) I’m hanging on until someone
better comes along. He/she
annoys me sometimes, but I
guess it’s better than being
alone.
C) More than words. Um, yeah
(Smiling) “cricket, cricket..”
D) I’m in love with me and
perfectly content doing me.
4) My current occupation
A) Pays the bills. I don’t know what
I want to do. I question what my
talents and passion are, but I
definitely love taking time off
and buying stuff, I think.
B) Enjoy it, but it’s not my dream
job. Maybe I should go back to
school. I think culinary school
could be fun.
C) I die a little bit each day and curl
up in my bed contemplating
ways to quit.
D) absolutely and fulfilling my true
life passion. I feel completely
blessed. Pinch me! Haha j/k
But really thank you Universe.
Results
If you answered any of these questions, do you really feel like you need someone telling you the answer to who you really are? I mean, I am guilty of enjoying what some personality tests say, for the fun of it, unless they say something bad about me, in which case I dismiss it as nonsense. But then again I’m not sure I always answer honestly or how I want to believe I am, which is how I am, because that is how I act. Or sometimes I want to answer two or three of the choices, or somewhere In between because they don’t really have the right option for me. But if I’m honest with myself, I know who I am. I know the areas about myself where I need to work on, and the areas about myself I’m really happy about and have no problems with people seeing because I’m the type of person who stays up until 3am sometimes thinking these things and learned long ago to give up trying to sleep until I have it all jotted down. If I don’t, it will all be gone by tomorrow
morning.

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I woke up today and I mean really woke up and a familiar voice kept chanting,

Write!

Write until you fingers become numb,

Write until your nose bleeds with genius,

Write until your mind quiets,

or chatters,

But don’t stop and let it out like you did when you didn’t realize what this time thing was.

Write so that your head doesn’t explode or maybe it will cause it to explode like a kaleidoscope of confetti,

But don’t stop and let it out like you did those nights when you didn’t care about waking up.

Tell it!

Tell the story of words,

Let it be gibberish,

You could tell fibberishes without seize or need to please Ish,

Just keep going because if you stop than your purpose wanes.

Write to keep creating,

And if you must pause

Spend it making love and pretend to keep procreating,

Or create to recreate that sense of liberating the voices in your head.

Be prolific!

Let it seethe from your pores like sweat and blood and stench the air around you.

Let your fingers tire, mouth fire, sound the liar that really tells the truth in spools of metaphors.

Write nonsense!

Say it, 

Then shout it,

Then scream it,

And pass out mouth open with a dribble of drool

Creating that pool of hope and love, and life, 

And wake up groggy from that high stuffing your head with words

Write till the passion fills you up and makes your stomach round

And shit it out because it’s going to be beautiful one day!

 

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I Am Blessed

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I’ve had time to stare into infinity,
Into that timeless sky and
I’ve been breathless, speechless, heartbeat-less at the grandeur of the view of heaven.
And sometimes I get a little scared because the beauty of everything I see frightens me.
I let my thoughts fly like wisps of ethers through the air and for an instant I wonder about the pain of losing all of it.
Will it one day disappear or am I blessed enough to just vaporize into mist and become a part of the atmosphere,
Oh and then I remind myself that I’m supposed to feel a part of it already and I should shout to the world that “I am blessed!”
And the vibrations ripple outwards,
“I am blessed!” I shout louder so that the ripple echoes
“I am blessed!” I must let you know because how else will I hear myself think it through the thick of the panic that “I am blessed!” But a little cursed for feeling so blessed that it’s hard for me to accept my mortality sometimes and I don’t care because I am so in love that I don’t want to lose any of it and I want immortality.
At least for the moment because when I drift back down to sanity I will be at peace with the immortal spirit and will vibrate again and again ,”I am blessed…” Until one day I float upwards towards the heavens and my blessed spirit rains back down to earth.