Lying in bed with my 3 year old he says, “mommy because….. I love you forever.”
“You know what forever means?”
“Yeah because you’re always with me.”
“I love you forever and ever and ever.” But as I speak I think, well there’s a chance by circumstance I won’t be here forever, realistically thinking. “But Baby, what if I’m not here forever? What if maybe I am sent away one day?”
He stares into my eyes silent for some time. I stare back.
“Well then I will fly up and catch you. Yeah I will fly up and catch you and bring you back down so you will be with me forever.” He speaks with conviction.
“I love you baby Forever and ever!”
Though your petals are not as soft, nor your colors quite as pretty as all the flowers surrounding you,
For you are unique to all the world,
And no other bloom shines quite as bright.
At the doctors office
Nurse asks, “hi how old are you?”
Clary just stares.
“Can you step on the scale.”
He steps and she records.
“Great! Can you stand under here so I can measure you?” Pointing to the stadiometer.
Clary walks face forward up to it and I laugh.
“Turn around baby.”
“Ok I’m going to take your temperature.” And touches the electric thermometer up to his forehead.
“No!” He screams upset. “I want my temperature back! I want my temperature back.” Groping at the air, crying, and putting the invisible temperature back to his forehead.
I chuckle realizing someone just took his heat.
I didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas.
It was like my brother and I were Hansel and Gretel wandering like orphans wandering into strange yards watching through windows other families cozied up by a fire place with a Christmas tree illuminating the room and families holding tradition.
We stood outside doors waiting to be invited in and watch them open presents and enjoy the good high spirits of whatever tradition they celebrated while our own parents worked all night and day on their busiest night of the year.
Neither completely Korean nor American, we had less tradition to hold on to, but the dream of my parents was for us to belong here.
And so I am,
Witnessing my children completely apart of “their” tradition,
And I am standing completely a part of it rather than watching through someone’s window,
“You be mommy dinosaur dragon and I’ll be baby dinosaur dragon and we will eat people rawr!”
“Well do you want to eat people?”
“Well, Well, ok you be mommy dinosaur dragon and I be baby dinosaur dragon and we will eat bad people.”
“But do you think bad people will taste good?”
“Well Well, ok. You be mommy dinosaur dragon and I’ll be baby dinosaur dragon and we will eat tacos!”
Clarence: I like palm trees and fridays, what do you like?
me: i like you!
Clarence: no you like grilled cheese and sundays.
Stepping out of the shower, Clarence comes to me and rubs my stomach, “what are those? Bones?” He asks touching my stretch marks.
“When I had Elijah in my belly, my belly grew so big it made scars.”
He hugged me, kissed both sides, and said, “They’re beautiful!”
Before we arrived at this place,
We lied still in the dank dark earth,
Waiting for that moment when you and I fell inline to cross paths.
From opposite ends we unfurled and stood in the thick of tall dark branches,
Until we found in each other a reflection that pushed them aside to let the light through.
Breath by breath
Mouth to mouth.
Transforming us to divine
Woke up in a funk today
In light of some recent events in the world, the states, my microcosm, the home, my room….
The first thought after teaching yoga this morning is that I need to clean, and then I’ll feel better,
But the heaviness would not leave for me to lift a limb.
Then I thought, I need a little motivation,
And so I went to the nursery,
Walked around conversing with my enlightened toddler,
Found a healthy new fiddle leaf fig and a lush maiden hair fern.
I never pretended to be perfect.
Happiness in a swipe and small talk, “yes the weather is much nicer today… no receipt please.” No paper trails.
Now my Boston fern and birds nest fern look happier and truth is, their chances of survival have just increased with their new companions….
As well as mine.