No amount of abuse ever broke me,
Neither self inflicted push and shove,
Nor the pull and tug of some sadistic fool
Ever broke my body, heart, mind, and all the things that make me this.
And then I fell utterly in love with these little cherubs with their chubby cheeks and pouty lips
Beautiful peals of laughter and warm bodied snuggles,
And I loved them so much I broke
In ways that made my back hurt and shoulders sore and heart ache and head spin.
Motherhood broke me in ways that made me soft and tender,
Yet I would not change a thing
Because the healing was in the breaking.
I looked into my sons eyes for an awkward length of time in his homemade clumsy Lincoln hat and beard.
He finished his biography on Abraham Lincoln and was asked to dress up like him.
He is full of hope and holds so much respect for the title “president”
He finished his first chapter book and ran around the house shouting,”hello everybody! Hello nobody! Hello Jose! Hello spirits! I finished my very first chapter book and it was on the President Abraham Lincoln!”
His reverence for the greatness of what Dr Martin Luther did for this country has him believing that he was the greatest “president” that America has ever had.
And I’m listening to the news lately all day and today I’m staring into the eyes of this optimistic boy who believes “in equality and justice for all” wondering if I could ever explain to him that sometimes the president is a hack and when he says that men who look like him are rapists that you can’t believe anything coming from this so called president! That he is the one raping our country and stabbing his ego into the fear of America violently with his invisible sword.
How will I explain to him that all the progress that his heroes Lincoln and King made are being wiped back to ignorance and we should not show respect to the “president” and to give up on the hope and respect you had for the man who is supposed to sit in that seat!
How would I explain to all of my children that despite what the person in charge of our country represents,
He is something contrary to what this country stands for and that they are still American even though the fraud is giving permission for their classmates to look down on him because it helps to sell himself.
And I burn so hot right now wondering how anyone is allowing the brightness that shines in these children’s eyes to dim
Because of our silence…
I used to cry every time i played the piano because it hurt that much
To have your soul stolen again and again at the whim of a bastard.
So I stopped playing and stopped talking and stopped laughing because I was trying to see if I could snuff out my soul and stay alive at the same time.
And played again with more flaws than I’ve ever admitted to.
And now I’m left crying for no reason except im left carrying out 10 lifetimes of stolen spirits and not giving a damn.