Cleaning closet today, I unburied those nasty little skeletons that collected so much dust that I had completely forgotten they exist.
An old journal that catalogued two years of the last years of an old depression and the last page ending with hope of what I am today brings much light as to why I followed this path to attaining true happiness, but I must have become delirious because the dark past really had just been a smear in my noggin chest. But if my past could only see me now, how proud she would be. I had even forgotten as to why I cringe at unpleasant news, talk, emotion, anything.
Maybe the real healing just took place laying on a couch as one would assume, but the person holding the pad and pen scribbling away as the couched one rambles in the story of her life are both me, but I was lying on my mint couch holding a journal under a bright light answering questions I had asked and also a-ha-ing the whole time because there were things I knew and that dark person still is me, but laying under mild energy saving bulbs drinking ginger instead of shots of tequila trying to, what I used to call, slow suicide ingesting purposeful poison.
So to quote the very beginning of this me I know now from my trip back to my very last journal entry on August 16, 2001, “Confusion coils around each nerve on my body. Love is the reason behind all the confusion that tortured my heart and corrodes my mind. However, without it I would seize to be Hannah and therefore seize to exist so to be who I am, I need that one element in life that I would rather do without. LOVE!”
And so it is….

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