She sits alone in her crowded room. Crowded with the things she desires and creates,
But still alone. The room fills with music with no escape. There are no windows,
So if a stranger happens into the room, he is hit hard with something, but can’t figure
What it is.
Her walls are filled with her own paintings. Not another person has one in their space,
but she looks around and admires them and loves them, at first.
Over time she begins to be bothered by them and must create something new
so that she could feel the pleasure she felt at first creation.
The old ones are not bad, nothing has changed except the familiarity.
She can not get rid of them, because a lot of work went into their production,
but still they are old and familiar, and losing a lot of the appeal they had when first finished.
The flaws begin to stand out in stark contrast against the idealization at inception.
Possibly, that is why she does not like to share them with others,
Because they are not works that you love dearly and increasingly over time,
But they are more of a fancy one plays with in brevity.
She lays sprawled like an injured spider feeling an abundance of emptiness.
At one point in her life she takes a pause and it dawns on her,
in order to create that piece of art that grows a fondness over time,
She realizes the need to experience that emotion.
How is she supposed to pull from her art an emotion she has never felt?
The girl leaves the room unsatisfied
Having spent a lifetime on a cornucopia of frivolous objects,
But not a single one that supplied her with joy.
That night, feeling lonelier than she had felt in a very long time,
She goes to a small party where no one really knows one another.
A room filled with lonely people with manufactured smiles
Made her sad because in that moment, despite the loneliness,
And the lack of authenticity,
Life existed behind the plastic faces that were
Always changing and constantly growing.
She saw more beauty than she had
Seen sitting in her crowded room surrounded by all her creations
She once thought she knew and loved.
She sat there staring down at her small feet thinking how strange life is when the things
That should not be beautiful are more desirable than those that she designed to be
A dark man with one of the most sincere smiles she’s ever seen walks up to her and takes a seat
next to her on the couch.
Surprisingly she is drawn to him though he had a weak nose and jutting chin,
And in that moment she falls in love with something that peaks through the imperfections.
They talk all night. He asks her for her number because he feels
There is a deep connection between the two.
She declines and runs home to her crowded room.
It was not with him whom she fell in love with, but the conjured emotion.
She is restless with the onslaught of emotions that bombards her through night.
Her cheeks are still ablaze from the conversation she had with the dark man whose name she
Never asked for. How funny that they talked for hours about everything except both forgot
to ask each other their names, and it didn’t matter.
She painted that night and when the flurry of the intense emotions began to subside,
she dropped her brush and fell onto her bed and slept peacefully until dusk the following day..
She felt hung over and stiff when she awoke,
Though she didn’t have a single drink the night before.
She looked at the painting and smiled because she saw something beautiful there,
She saw the intensity of the stark dark image contrasted against the blur of color behind it.
It made sense and it was beautiful,
She remembers being able to watch herself creating
Without understanding how it happened.
She hung it up after signing her name and sat down staring at it happy.
For a while…
However over time, it started losing it’s allure to her. She began to be annoyed by it.
She realized it was still missing something. When she created it, the emotions were right,
They were there. And when she looked at it it still possessed some of the beautiful qualities that
she felt that night, but it was fleeting because it stood still trapped in a single moment which
was now only a glorified memory of an idea of what seemed to have happened.
One restless night she decides to leave and try another party.
Similar to the one before and she finds a couch and again a man approaches her.
She asks his name but is disappointed because his name does not seem to match his face.
He asks for hers and he does not hear her correctly, and calls her the wrong name,
But she doesn’t feel it necessary to correct him nor does it seem to matter.
That night she goes home with him and feels empty in the morning. She had strange
Dreams all night and the insides of her stomach churned, gurgled, and rolled up and down.
He slept the whole night with a heavy arm thrown over her chest that made it even more
As soon as she wakes up, she dresses and begins to walk out.
He stares at her with a smile on his face and asks if she would come over again that night.
Ready to decline, she grabs for the doorknob, but is struck by a memory
of a dark face and glistening smile.
She returns that evening.
This continues for months,
She sat in her room often when she could get away from the guy with the wrong name.
She would stare at her painting and see the beauty in it,
But she began to feel like the painting.
A little empty and
That was the last time she saw the man who’s name seemed wrong for him.
And she extinguished her cigarette butts on the painting that would taunt her.